Signs of Schizophrenia – First Person

As I indicated, it started several months ago.  I was visited upon by a breakdown, psychological in nature, and the sustaining, but not necessarily exacted pieces that it extracted from my spirit, were essentially accrued by Art by Ann Olsonsomething—one might call them demons, hallucinations or figments of my imagination—but something.  Essential to a breakdown that is psychological, in particular, is that it can excavate from the self significant parts of one’s substance, even if it were not treated as whimsical and diaphanous by others who never have entertained such conditions of the mind.

I lay awake for most of the hours of night and day for nearly the whole month of November, last Autumn.  When I tried to close my eyes, my inner eyelids reflected scenes of animals devouring human beings, and all whispers or screams of the auditory hallucinations I experienced were believed by me, all horrors were swallowed, as my soul whimpered, vanishing.

In my apartment, I had wandered for days, unplugging the refrigerator, unplugging the gas stove, placing the microwave oven on top of a barricade of bags of trash and valuables between me in my apartment and the back door.  And I behaved in this irrational manner precisely because it seemed rational to do so.  Quite so.

So I paced around the wood floors of my apartment, callusing the soles of my feet, talking, talking, talking to myself.  The personal outrage that permeated the atmosphere of the well-lit rooms, with blinds and windows thrown wide open, crazily, was refracted by my prolonged and cringing fear that this was caused, intended and deliberated by someone else, that someone who had decided, with impunity, to cut a fissure in my soul, to extract my spirit, and to cause my body to die.  In my imagination.

Signs of Schizophrenia – First person, by Dr. Ann Olson, author of Illuminating Shizophrenia: Insights Into the Uncommon Mind

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